Bland Confessions

Burning Calories

2010-01-21T15:05:00.000-08:00

Because I am breastfeeding my infant, I burn a ridiculous number of calories. If I eat healthy right now, I will drop even more weight. I'm already 3 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight.

So I "have to" eat a bunch of carbs...and cheese. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Stuffing Sneak

2009-11-27T09:50:00.000-08:00

When everyone left the room for a minute post-Thanksgiving-meal yesterday, just after we all loudly professed how "FULL" we were, I ate a giant spoonful of stuffing as fast as I could...and acted all casual after everyone returned.

(It was cornbread with sausage stuffing, and I knew the feller that brought it over was taking the leftovers home.)

I like being boring

2009-10-17T18:48:00.000-07:00

There. Said it. I don't care about going out anymore. Any pretense that I miss having any sort of social life is simply fakery on my part.

Think about it:

I don't have to put on make-up and spend money on a valet or over-priced drinks.
I don't have to yell over a band that isn't that great anyway.
My feet never hurt at the end of the night.
I never worry if I drank too much to drive, because I only have to make it from the living room to bed.
Everyone I see socially now is a very deliberate choice, so there's no making awkward small talk with acquaintances until I remember their names and can ask questions that are more specific about them.
I already have an awesome man and a baby and a dog, and my good friends are happy to come over and keep me company during the day, or just meet me for coffee or lunch in the neighborhood.

Sorry social life, staying in is the new going out, and I think it is vastly better.

I have been eating for the last 3 hours nonstop

2009-09-12T13:14:00.001-07:00

I know I'm supposed to take in more calories right now, but this is getting ridiculous. I can't stop eating!!

So far today:

2 eggs + 2 pieces of toast
2 servings of nuts & fruit trail mix (technically I believe 2 HANDFULS is more accurate)
1/2 pint of raspberry sorbet (gooey mess mmmm)
1/2 a container of leftover Thai Spicy Noodles

So it's really like breakfast, snack, dessert, lunch?

I want coffee. Maybe that will put a lid on this.

Emoticons

2009-09-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

I made a really big deal (well, relatively-speaking) of not being an emoticon user. And now I am using them. Not the animated ones (so I'm only sort of lame?), but the lo-fi version where you type a semi-colon, a dash and a close parenthesis to let the message recipient know you are winking along with your message content.

Can I blame new motherhood for this, too?

I judge you by what you drive...

2009-09-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

...but not in the way you think. It's not about the money you make, it's about the way you approach that laws of driving and your personal take on common courtesy.

If you drive a mini-van, I automatically think you are tired, distracted and therefore a dangerously inattentive driver. Even if you think this doesn't apply to you specifically, if you drive a mini-van it does. That's why you are such a peril to the rest of humanity on the road--because you THINK you are a killer multi-tasker and that 3 screaming kids don't throw off your ability to talk on the phone, change the radio station and safely navigate the Target parking lot.

If you drive a BMW, you test 99.9% for being a prick. A red-light-running, cut-me-off-on-the-freeway, steal my parking space, unsafe-lane-changing prick. It doesn't necessarily matter which model, but you M3 guys take the cake. (Don't believe me: next time you hear tires squealing or honking or other intersection drama, look over and see what the offending vehicle is.)

BMW drivers now occupy the space that I used to reserve for the Porsche Boxster dudes, but those guys now have been relocated to the "Trying too hard" section, and receive a mixture of pity and a gently whispered, "Good for you--a sportscar is a perfect retirement gift to yourself."

Subaru, VW, Mini Cooper - You are a kindred spirit. If you do something flaky, I forgive you because I do something flaky, too! And I always feel bad about it. (I drive a Subaru Outback and I like your bumper stickers.)

Audi, Volvo, Honda, Acura - I think you have arrived but you are not arrogant about it. I don't automatically cringe when I see you turn out into the road in front of me. You seem responsible and un-jerky. I like you.

Really Old Toyota Corolla too far gone for bodywork- You will drift into my lane, sans signal, at some point, at 5 miles under the speed limit. When I look over in anger, you will be oblivious. I envy your freedom from awareness, but that doesn't stop me from mildly cursing you.

Tahoe Tacoma - You are aware that you are cutting me off, but because you are giant, you don't care. I hate you, but I fear you will roll over me, so I only flip you the bird when I'm sure you can't see it...not that you bother looking in your rear view to see the collateral damage you cause when you cut off 3 cars to make a left turn because we aren't moving fast enough for you.

Prius, Smart Car - I want to applaud you for your efforts to help our environment but you have that covered. Next...

Hummer of any number - Are you f*cking kidding me? (P.S. Mister, when you get out of your monolithic vehicle, I fully expect you to be 5' 3" and to be as feisty as a mini-Pinscher. You seldom disappoint. I loathe your car, I pity you for needing it.)

Maserati - I envy you and that glow in my eyes is just that. You are generally adept at manuevering the traffic and are ju-u-ust fast enough that your lane change couldn't be called a "cut off" unless I sped up.

Mercedes - You're going to be a lady of a certain age with brilliantly coiffed dark hair, a cloud of some expensive perfume hanging around you, aren't you? Since you will never open the window and disturb your inner environment, you will never get to hear me scream 'GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE' while we jockey for a parking space on Beverly Drive.

Lotus - Only in Los Angeles. Can't complain about ya, but I've sat in your car at the car show and it was not a comfy urban ride. Confused as to why you would drive this particular transmission on our city streets, since you should be someone's 'other car' not their primary driving choice on our bumpy, congested streets. Are you bragging? Hmph.

Rolls Royce, Bentley - You will turn with a moment's notice without using a signal. I keep a wide berth, just in case. I cannot afford what it would cost to rear end you.

I am sorry to be a profiler. It is probably rude and unfair, even if I am right most of the time.

Full disclosure: I drove a BMW 328i for a few years and loved it. And yes, I too was an a-hole.

Letting grass die

2009-08-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

We're letting the backyard die on purpose, but I still feel like a murderer.

Linked In: More of a rant than a confession?

2009-08-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

I used to write job recommendations for my LinkedIn connections willingly, back before LinkedIn lost it's novelty for me (i.e. when I found a job that I love and stopped visiting it hourly.)

It doesn't matter if I think you were the best co-worker I ever had or the worst. I seriously just don't feel much like waxing on about you with no focus on who you are trying to impress, what job you might be considered for--and what if I somehow say something about you that used to be true but no longer is? Then I look like an ass who would refer anyone for anything. A worthless pitchwoman whoring out her healthy supply of positive adjectives for anyone I've ever met who has a resume in current circulation.

Pretty much now you have to a) be already laid off, b) have really worked closely with me, and c) not use the stupid auto-generated LinkedIn request form when you ask.

The confession part here is that I routinely pretend that I don't check my LinkedIn account ever, when really, while that IS true, I do get an email notification when a new request comes in...so I know you need me but I am just too bitchy to do it.

Toothpaste

2009-08-26T12:12:00.000-07:00

I've evolved from a carefully-curl-up-the-tube-from-the-bottom toothpaste-handler to a heathen who routinely squeezes from the middle and deals with the consequences later.

We also quietly switched to Colgate--a product where the flip-top lid is attached--since it was pretty clear I was on a collision course with a point where even that action would be too much of a bother.

Lazy.
Sorry, Crest.

I saw Julie & Julia...

2009-08-25T15:24:00.001-07:00

...and liked it.

In public.

Instead of liking it in the cocoon-like safety of my Netflix queue but then neglecting to mention it to anyone, unless she is over 65 and in line with me at Williams Sonoma.

I feel weird admitting this. I wonder if now I have to watch 3 Godard films as penance. (I say penance, because Godard's films have an interesting commonality: I don't ever seem to like them, no matter how much I try to put the work in the context of the times/go with the flow & enjoy the ride.) I don't like my films to be so self-conscious. And I'm overly hung up on little things like WHY did the woman in the bathtub in 2 or 3 Things I Know About Her put a headband on behind her bangs? What's the point in that? (I'm just saying...I have bangs, I know the deal.)

What do you do when your guilty pleasures run amok thusly?

Me, me, me

2009-08-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

I just spent $144 on make-up on Sephora's website. I don't even know for sure that the colors will work. They were in a magazine article about achieving a natural look--and I was feeling particularly old and dry-faced and tired-looking when I got to the story. Ironically, it was in Real Simple, the magazine with the "less is more" vibe.

I ate a tiny bit of dairy and it made me feel guilty, since I gave it up for the sake of the breastfeeding baby. The worst part is, I could barely taste it so I cheated for nothing.

I really want a glass of white wine and that excellent olive oil popcorn in the cabinet but the baby is asleep on my lap and I think that might be tacky. Waking a baby to get a glass of Jesus Juice just seems wrong. I should add that I am alone. Drinking alone also bad.

The Phone

2009-08-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

One of our two phone jacks stopped working a month ago. We moved the modem to the working one, while our phone has been sitting lifelessly on the bedroom floor near the defunct wall jack ever since. (Sometimes, one of us will trip over the phone and give it a reminiscent nod.) It rarely occurs to either of us to call and check our voicemail...and I'm starting to really like it this way.

I Shook the Milk

2009-08-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

Breastmilk in a bottle in the fridge should never, ever be shaken. It should be swirled. But I shook it on numerous occasions. Once even after I knew better. It was too tempting to be done with the reunion of fatty part with the rest. I am sorry for this, as I have since learned that in shaking the milk I destroyed the fragile immunity-carrying parts, thusly shortchanging my infant.